Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Desperate - Formulas Don't Always Work - Chapter 3
I am continuing my journey through.....
This chapter really hit home for me too. How many of you, just like me, read every What to Expect book and every parenting book you could lay your hands on while you were pregnant with your first? I devoured those....after all, didn't she have all the answers? Dr. Spock?? Guilty, read that too. Those books did not....and I repeat...DID NOT prepare me for the reality that became my life. Thirteen years later I am sitting here with 3 kiddos diagnosed on the autism spectrum and not a "normal" moment in any day. I should have seriously used some of those books as starter for our campfire.
Ok...here's another question.....Honestly.....how many of you were spanked while growing up? How many of you carry on that since it is the discipline method or formula that you were taught growing up? I guess I never thought about it really until the last few months. How ineffective this discipline style can be. You are showing your kids that it's ok to hit. You are angry usually, so that shows them that it is ok to hit out of anger. Their self-esteem is driven down, and you feel just as guilty afterward. So is there a better "formula".
Not every kid is the same, and not every family is the same. Not everyone is going to fit neatly into the same box. So discipline styles need to be adjusted to your child's needs and age. There are always tons of suggestions on how to raise your kids, these "formulas" work for some but not for others. We are all different.
We (ok..I) need to stop comparing ourselves to other families and their children. We (ok..I) see what "formulas" they use and how their children behave and think we are failures. If the formula we are using is not working, we feel like failures. This leads to frustration and feelings of inadequacy, which is not a good combination for a parent trying to raise their kids in a positive environment.
We (ok..I) need to stop listening to others and trying to apply all of their advice. We (ok..I) need to look at our own family and what we want to teach our children. I like how Sally called all those well-meaning friends, Job's friends. They claim to be friends, but only in word, not in deed and they are always quick to criticize. There is no one way....none! Or we would all be walking around in tan khakis and blue polo shirts with no animation or tone in our voices. We couldn't have facial expressions....it would be a boring world.
Make a list of what you love about each of your children and your spouse. Remember that every day, especially when patience is tried and tested. Take those qualities and with your spouse, plan what you want your family to be. Do you want to be outside people? Do you want to service God full-time? The possibilities are endless for your individual family! Don't try to be like everyone else, be yourselves!
As parents we need to constantly be reminded how easily a child's feelings can be hurt. It doesn't take much for a child to be reprimanded, often times repeatedly for some. Some kids need constant reminders. But if they are loving reminders, that is what a child needs....loving reminders. That child will feel more comfortable to come to you, instead of fearing you. Spend time with your children, show them the love that you want to feel. This will be paid back to you with love instead of frustration and exasperation from your children.
Linking up with other homeschool moms who are reading this book at.....The Crafty Home.